Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's coming on Christmas ... wish there was a river I could skate away on

I woke up today wondering why I'm depressed. No, I'm not depressed. Not really, I decided. Just a little sad. Okay. A LOT sad.
In August I celebrated  one of those very huge "milestone birthdays" that changed everything. I now get a "government entitlement" stipend every month including a deduction for my "government entitlement health insurance" both of which I've invested in for my entire work life.  Well, that's another discussion. Still, it's a contributing factor.

And it's December - a long way 'til tulips.

 The days are short. Sunlight is a precious, rare commodity. Blue skies are few and far between. Such the reality of living in upstate New York. We've already had a little snow in Lily Dale. Actually we had a LOT of snow - almost a foot - over a couple of days, a couple of weeks ago. 

Here's what it looked like. That's a little Precious Moments Garden Angel, about 12" tall resting  in my garden which is about 5" above ground. Got the picture?

Gratefully,  as I write this I'm not in Lily Dale. I'm spending some time with "my Swedish knight." I'm sitting in the family room - the savanna - looking at the back yard thru huge patio doors. The sun is trying to peek through the clouds. The trees are filled with a variety of birds who've discovered the feeders are finally stocked with sunflower seeds. And two very fat squirrels are romping in the yard, eyeing the feeders and plotting their route to them.  It's a quiet, peaceful view that makes me smile.  

Good thing I'm trying to keep my feet under me as I deal with a relentless, overwhelming reality that this is my first Christmas without my Mom. Try as hard as I can to push through it, to get beyond it, my heart aches in a way I didn't know possible. 

Recently someone told me I shouldn't dwell on it, that I should be grateful that I'd her for so many years. Yeah, well, I thought I'll remind you of that when you go shopping, see something that's a perfect gift, pick it up, then realize the reason for getting it is no longer there to receive it.  

Oh well, I'll get over it. Rather, I'll get thru it. 

I've tried to get into the holiday spirit by baking cookies. Lots of them. I'm almost done with my shopping, just a few little things and then the endless task of wrapping them. Not a problem. I'll throw on some music - a little holiday rap maybe - and have at it. Next week, after I'm back in Lily Dale. 

So, I'll make the music the river I can skate away on. I'll surely smile, remembering when we were all home for Christmas. 

And as I'm wrap up this blog, the sun is out, and it's starting to snow. 

The Divine always hears our prayers. 
Spoken or not, conscious or not.
And the answer is always waiting.

Wishing you all a blessed, peace-filled holiday season.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

So, what's new?

I just realized that it's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. "Why is that?" I wondered. So I went back in my mind to the time of my last post and was stunned to see how much has happened.

First, without even saying anything, the Universe blindsided me, delivering brought me "everything I didn't know I always wanted" ... a nice, sweet, kind, generous, deeply-spiritual, completely human man. I still pinch myself sometimes and wonder, just what did I do to deserve this.

His arrival was even sweeter because I didn't see it coming. Or maybe I did; okay, I did. And I did everything in my power to keep him at arm's-length. Well, suffice it so say, it didn't work, keeping him at arm's-length, that is. Every day I am so completely grateful that it didn't. 

He makes me laugh, makes my crazy, brings tears to my eyes, and loves to watch me tweak when, with a straight face, he pulls my leg, reminding me that I take myself way too seriously.  I love that he gives me space to "just be." But most important, I love that he loves me ... despite all my foible and faux pas. He loves me.   

And I love him. More than I could ever imagine. 

He loves my family. Most importantly, he loved my mom, and she loved him. Despite her occasional diminished thinking, she flirted with him and requested cheek-kisses from him when we left her room. He told me she was charming, funny.

Being with him meant I was living many hours closer to her, and able to have more visits with her before she passed in March 2012. Personally, I think she went off to play cards with my dad, grandmother and great-grandmother. They'd been shuffling the deck for a long time, waiting for her to get there. I know she was ready to go. She just wasn't ready to leave.He stood by me, with me when we said good-bye to her. Not once, but twice. 

My knight in shining armor. Tall. Strong. Steadfast.